Welcome to Crazytown. Population: Me

It's been a minute since I shared my epic adventures in this giant box of what-the-fuck we call online dating. What's been keeping me? Well, I've been out meeting a seemingly endless stream of crazy fucks and giving dating a whirl. Let me tell you this: It sucks ass. You know what online dating is? It's Russian roulette with five bullets and one empty chamber. I've dated enough crazy in the last few weeks for 10 blog posts, so you are in for a treat! Today I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Drunk Mini Golf (Mr. DMG).

After a few brief contacts and a text or two, I made plans to meet with Mr. DMG at a local mini golf course in the sketchy area of town. This was the alternative to getting drunk at his house, which was his first suggestion and should have been my best clue that things were not going to go well. Now you may ask yourself, why didn't she just tell him to fuck off after that? Well, friends, he was only my second attempt at this whole dating thing, and I hadn't really gotten my "go fuck yourself" sea legs at that point. 

Moving on. I pulled into the creepy ass golf course parking lot and stood around waiting for Mr. DMG to arrive. As I relaxed against the wall, I observed Mr. DMG sauntering across the parking lot from the dilapidated apartment complex that overlooks the course. I soon understood why he had chosen the location--he did not have a car. Now look, I'm not anti-non-car men. Some of my favorite people do not drive or own cars. But there is a distinct difference between not owning one because you just don't need it--and not owning one because you probably have 14 DUIs. What, pray tell, would make me think this man was the latter? Calm down, I'm getting there. 

Mr. DMG approached, and I quickly realized that his height listing on his profile was, let's just say, aspirational. And by that, I mean he was the same height as my junior high son. Which already made things awkward and said awkwardness was only compounded when he introduced himself not with his name, but this charmer: "I am so fucking drunk." Yeah. Now we know why he doesn't own a car. Anyone who comes drunk to a date is likely in the 14 DUI category. But maybe I'm just a judgmental bitch. Who knows? 

Now most chicks would just leave at this point. But I had time to kill and I was amused and mildly curious as to what would happen. Me to him: "Well, I put on pants for this, so we're golfing. Let's go." He looked shocked and probably thought I was desperate to not have dropped his ass cold. Really, I just wanted to write this blog. I'm suffering for your amusement, fans. Don't you love me so? 

As we sidled up to the register, the cashier gazed on sympathetically as my date refused to let me pay, and then proceeded to pay the $4 it cost in quarters and come up short. The cashier, clad in a t-shirt that looked like a tuxedo, glanced at me with utter pity as I paid the extra dollar. Have you ever been pitied by a man in a tuxedo t-shirt? It's quite awkward. I smiled toothily at him and made sure to grab blue balls--a subtle message to my date of his future evening. 

As we meandered through the windmills and zebras, Mr. DMG told me tall tales that made me wonder if he was insane--and continued to try to get me to go over to his apartment. He even gave me his social security number, which is, as you know, one of the best weapons a woman can use to thwart a rapist. You simply shout that 9-digit number at your assailant and he is instantly rendered impotent as he recalls his credit score of 326. You can then bash his skull in with your purse and run away.

When I informed him of the concept of rape and murder, he helpfully pointed out that I could totally kick his ass (being that he was slightly taller than the Oompa Loompas in the original Chocolate Factory). This, while true, did not entice me for some odd reason. Mostly because I would have felt guilty punching someone the size of a pre-pubescent child. I continued to decline through another round of golf (which I paid for--I really wanted to try the course with the bunker, Mr. DMG was just along for the ride at this point) and finally decided I needed to drink--far away from this mini-wanker--and I called the date done. His last ditch effort to get me to come over was that he had a Wii and we could get drunk and play Mario Kart.

"Sorry," I said. "I only play Xbox." And then I drove away. Because fuck that.

All right, faithful readers. You get to pick my next post. Would you like to hear about Matrix Man, or the guy whose best friend brought his wife on the date while his girlfriend stayed home to babysit. Comment below or I'll just flip a coin. 

Online Messaging: First Contact

So you've finally found a girl that has made you overcome the ball-wracking nervousness that comes with contacting a perfect stranger online and you're about to send that introductory message to see if she would be interested. What should you say? What if she thinks you're stupid? Should you mention something directly from her profile, or does that seem all stalkerish? Maybe just say, "hi," but what if she thinks that's lame? Something clever? What if you offend her?

Before I begin today's lecture, let me first commend you on having the cojones to even put yourself out there. Dating is a real bitch, and quite frankly, it's even worse for men. I've seen the online profiles of women out there and you boys are meandering a field fraught with ticking time bombs of female psychosis and neurosis and I do not envy you at all. I'd seriously consider becoming a monk if I were you, but you're probably like me and figure there has to be one sane person out there willing to hang out with you and have fun and maybe even have sex once in a while. I get it. Basically, great job, guys. Way to keep the hope alive. 

But don't think for a second that I've gone soft because seriously, some of you are fucking idiots and you need to stop coming off as total freaks in your first message to a woman. You're going to end up alone or on a registry if you don't knock off your shit and no one will feel a damn bit sorry for your dumb ass. I've titled the following sections using real FIRST messages I have received from actual dudes online. Enjoy!

Hey Sexy, Wanna Bone? 

Let's completely ignore the poor 90s lingo and really look into this guy's bad choice to ask a complete stranger for sex. For all he knows, I could be a complete meth head psycho with 10 kids by 10 different dudes I met online. Not a good idea. There are female serial killers out there too, you know. Unless you're on the just for sex section of a particular site, DO NOT begin your first message asking for sex. The first thing I wonder before deleting your message (or replying and mocking you) is how many STDs you have. And, really, if all a woman is to you is a masturbation sleeve for your hard-on, you need to rethink your life. While you're doing that, you need to also understand that most of the women who are flattered by a dude trying to get it on in the first message are likely going to cause you way more problems than your 4 minutes of mediocre sex will be worth. Think low self-esteem, clinginess, and the potential for keyed cars and dead, boiled bunny rabbits. You'll probably ignore this, so all that I ask is that you wear a damn condom. Or five. Five seems good. And do it at her house so she can't shank your pets when she goes nuts.

What's Up, Sexy?

Now this could just be my own personal peeve, but I really hate when a person does this when trying to get a date. This odd familiarity and slightly creepy way of opening the conversation just doesn't do it for me. It's implying a level of potential that you probably don't have and it irritates the everloving fuck out of me because then I have to decide if I'm going to give you a chance not to be a tool, or just ignore you because you already blew it by starting out like a bad porno. It's cheesy and smarmy and let's just not do it, okay? 

You Smoke Weed?

All right, here's a tip for everyone. Before you send a message, why don't you try, I don't know, reading the fucking profile of the person you are contacting? Why the hell do guys only message based on the picture you put up? See, the dude who wrote the above question would know I didn't "smoke weed" if he had bothered to read the damn profile where it says I don't do drugs. But no. Apparently that was too hard for his THC-laden brain. If you don't read the profile and then ask a question that is answered in the profile, the chick will know you only messaged based on her picture. That's pretty dumb on your part. A. She knows you're kinda stupid, and B. you have no clue if you are actually compatible, other than you like her picture. She could be a total asshole and you wouldn't even know it because you couldn't take 30 seconds to read about her. Her About Me section could be laden with man-hating drama and angry rants and you're stepping right into that steaming pile of dysfunction completely unarmed and unprepared. Good luck with that. 

When Can We Meet?

Um, hi, nice to meet you, too. And by the way, who the fuck are you, anyway? Holy desperation, Hawk fans! This is online dating, friends, and no sensible woman EVER just up and meets a guy from a one-line message he sends at 2 a.m. What the hell is wrong with you? No conversation, no general get to know you chat, nope, you just go right in for the kill. I don't even know your name, much less anything that might entice me to give up a night drinking beer with my girls to risk a date. What's your success ratio with that, anyway? And what is the quality of the women you meet from those that actually are willing to hang out with you after you messaging them? I bet it's not great. It freaks chicks out when you ask to meet before you even talk to them. Consider this: It would be like you asking a random girl on the street to step off into a dark alley with you, a stranger, for just a few minutes. That's the vibe you're putting off. That and sad desperation. Start a real conversation for fuck's sake! 

Hi.

This is the most harmless of all the offenses, but it's still a bad way to start a conversation. I read that, and I wonder, "What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?" If I'm feeling like a bitch, sometimes I only reply back with hi and put the ball back in your court. Or I delete the message altogether. If I am feeling nice, I might try to coax you into a more thorough conversation by asking you questions about yourself. It depends on my mood and, quite honestly, how attractive you are. If you have little to no game, you probably want to start getting a bit more witty with your messaging because this is the Millennial generation, dammit, and we are easily bored if not engaged creatively. 

A Good Way to Message

Here's a great example of a message:

Hi, how are you? (This cannot be all of your message) I see you like hiking (showing you read her profile), where do you like to go? (Giving her something to answer.) I love the trails up in the foothills (showing her you share the same love of hiking). Have you ever been to <<destination>>? (This not only gives her another question to answer, but sets up a potential for a date OR a mutual interest to discuss if she's been there.)

Not only does the above message nurture conversation, it also proves that you don't have a form letter you send to dozens of women each day because it's actually tailored to her interests and her profile. You're not giving off a slimy vibe, you're not creeping her out, and you're being a gentleman. Give it a try. 

As always, best of luck in the world of dating.

(Next week, we'll discuss what not to do when a girl gives you her number. Preview: Keep your cat and dick pictures to yourself!) 

Guys, What Are You Doing?

I've spent a lot of time navigating the online dating world since I decided to get back in the (proverbial) saddle and I have seen so many things that make me cringe. I get that it's hard to know exactly what to put when you're first starting up a profile, but some of this shit should be common sense. Since it's not, I'm here, as a woman, to give my womanly perspective on shit that is killing the game of perfectly attractive, funny men. Here you go, gentlemen. Take heed. 

All right men, let's talk about your profile pictures. 

1. Be Accurate

We can spend all day pretending that looks don't matter and that women are special beings who are attracted to what's on the inside--or we could be fucking honest and admit that how you look is important.  If you're short, tall, fat, skinny, bald, whatever--somewhere on this planet of 7 billion people, you're going to find that ideal partner who likes you just the way you are. So let's begin by posting an accurate picture of yourself as you look today. Not you when you had hair. Not you 2 years ago and 30 pounds lighter. People should not be shocked to meet you in person and they shouldn't have to sweep the bar 10 times to find you because you look like a different dude. 

2. Ask for Help

Next, I know you have at least one friend. You have to. If you don't, you're probably a dick and you won't be getting many ladies anyway. Point? Get your friend to take the picture of you. Please, for the love of god, do not stand awkwardly in your bathroom, angling the camera at the mirror, trying pointlessly to block your dirty, single guy toilet in the reflection. Get a friend to take a picture of you standing outside, hanging at the bar, doing something active. If you're too mortified to ask your friend to take a stupid picture of you, consider these two things: First, you've already sold your dignity to online dating, so what's the harm in breaking man code and having your friend take a picture? Second, if you can't even accomplish such a mundane task as asking someone for help, how do you expect to have the cojones to ask chicks out? Or do you merely intend to virtually stalk them in the hopes they will ask you first? (They won't.)

3. Stay Classy

Here is where many men fail. If you're breaking these rules, you'll either end up without a date, or with a caliber of women that are either super skanky (which might be ok, please wear a condom) or batshit crazy. And those are not mutually exclusive, friends. 

• Keep your damn shirt on. I don't care if you look like Michael Phelps after a long swim and 10,000 sit-ups--keep that motherfucker on! Ever seen Jersey Shore? Do you want to be that guy? A tool of epic proportions? Probably not. When you take a picture with your shirt off, you are presenting that you are insecure and that you can't get by on personality alone, so you're trying to blind potential women with sex appeal. You're also taking a lot of the magic out of meeting someone and getting to know them and the fun discovery of your hotness. Don't be a dick, leave some mystery. Plus, that shit is just awkward. 

• Don't flex, pose suggestively, or do anything that makes you look like an egotistical ass hat. Every time I see a guy flexing online, I roll my eyes. My first impression is not that you are one sexy bitch, it's that you think about yourself a lot. And, possibly, that you got those massive forearms from chronic masturbation to free online porn. Here's a thought: Do you mountain bike? Take a picture of that. 4-wheel, fish, hike? Bingo! There is a picture of you looking awesome that doesn't look contrived, toolish, or stupid. You're welcome. 

• Please don't put up pictures of yourself with your ex-wife, ex-girlfriend, or ex-fuck buddy. We are all very proud that at some point in your life, someone with a vagina thought you were cool. But you're on to new things now and women don't really want to see your last fling smiling cozily with your arm around her. Plus, if you're exes, I doubt the lady would be excited to know you've dragged her into your new dating adventures by posting her picture online where thousands of strangers can see her.  

• Drugs and alcohol. Here's the deal--you drinking a beer with your buddies? Good picture. It shows you being laid back, casual, and at ease with your friends. But you flipped upside down doing a kegstand in your underpants as 15 drunk people look on? Maybe not the best first impression. The same goes for you clearing a 6-foot bong--and this one is particularly irritating to me. Newsflash, smoking weed isn't taboo anymore and it doesn't make you look cool or rebellious. I know old ladies in the Red Hats who do it. Preschool teachers. Librarians. I can grow it in my backyard and I could get a prescription for the shit just for complaining about menstrual cramps. Anyone can do it, so the fact that you feel the need to post images of you doing it implies that you have a lot of your identity wrapped up in something that should really be considered a casual hobby. 

• Please don't post weird pictures of you sleeping or looking longingly at the camera. Both of those really amp your creeper factor. You sleeping: Why? Why do I need to see that? Are you narcoleptic and trying to keep it real? Do you think that I or any other woman will be overcome with lust at the idea of you snug in your Star Wars sheets? Just, no. Okay? And as for looking longingly at the camera, well, it just makes a perfectly good guy start to look very fucking desperate. I start to wonder if maybe you're just sad that the internet is down and all of your guild members are leveling up without you. I don't wonder if I am your Ms. Right, ready to wipe that look off your face. If that was the feeling you intended to inspire in me, you failed. Miserably.

4. Look Happy and Sane

Why do men always pose like they are on a photo shoot for an MMA poster? Seriously, guys, you're trying to get women who do not know you to come out of the safety of their homes and go on a date with you. Is it really a good idea to look like you slaughter kittens for fun and profit? Smile. Try to look like you are a fun person, not some angry asshole who will start a bar fight and then drive around moodily listening to Radiohead and punching your steering wheel. Try to look harmless. Friendly. Kind. I see guys all the time with huge muscles, measuring at 6'3"--and they voluntarily pose in such a way as to look scary as fucking fuck. Like, serial rapist/Viking marauder scary. Why are you so angry, dude? Life is pretty sweet! Tone that grumpy face down, son!

I've been a real judgmental asshole, so let me help you out just a bit on what does attract women. These are the types of photos that make my friends and me take a second look at you: 

One of you doing a hobby you enjoy. 

One picture of your face.

A picture of you having fun.

A full-body picture of you. 

It should go without saying that you must apply the above rules to the suggestions I've given. Good luck dudes. This shit ain't for sissies. 

(Stay tuned for About Me . . . An Online Profile Land Mine, where I break down the weird ways you may be nuking your chances when talking about yourself online.)