So you've loaded your appropriate personal images and taken the very stupid quizzes, confessed that you're a smoking binge drinker, and lied about your height (5'9" is not 6', just sayin'). Now it's time for you to shine, to explain who you are in a few simple lines of text, and, hopefully, entice some reasonably sane chick into answering your one-word message ("Hi." Really guys? But that's another post--and it's coming). Yes, gentlemen, it's time for you to fill in the About Me section of your online profile.
In theory, it's really not that hard. And yet so many of you royally fuck this shit up. Lovely, adorable men are totally screwing themselves because of this section and I have to help you because I hate seeing a cute, slightly crooked smile go to waste over simple mistakes. Let's break it down into types and if you find that you fit in any of these categories, well, you may finally understand why your inbox is emptier than the eyes of that poor hooker you once ordered off the little porn card on the Vegas Strip.
The Woman Hater
We get it buddy, you've been burned. Some woman took out your poor little heart, threw it in her juicer, and pressed puree. You're bitter. You're sad. You're angry. And you should absolutely convey every one of those emotions on your profile--uh wait, no. Not so much. Let me list some of my favorites that I've found:
"I am tired of fake-ass women!"
"Women these days have no class."
"If you only want a bad boy, but say you hate drama, you can walk now."
"So tired of the drama!" (Drama is a big theme in online profiles)
What a positive beginning for a relationship! Why are you even on the site if you have so little faith in the gender, dude? Why not call it a day, maybe reconsider your position on dude-on-dude action? Because no one is going to date you when you look like a pissed off asshole with baggage. The only thing that you're telling us "about you" is that you have a chip on your shoulder the size of an Oregon redwood and that you should be avoided at all costs.
Look, friend, we've all been burned. If we hadn't, we sure as hell wouldn't be venturing out into the awkward mortification that is online match sites. We'd be hanging with our +1 living whatever happy dream we'd planned for ourselves. So stop with the hate. Relax. You aren't broken and there's a good chick out there for you. But she just might be turned off by your presupposition that she's a fake-ass, drama-lovin' bitch.
The "Message Me" for Info-er
You think to yourself, "I don't need to write a damn thing. If they want to know more, they'll message me, dammit." With your self-righteous indignation, you type "Ask" or "Message me to find out" instead of anything with thought, or, you know, INFORMATION. Oh my, aren't you a clever one. Way to rebel against the man, dude. And yet, here's the problem. You're banking pretty hard on the hope that women will be so very intrigued by your pictures alone that they will HAVE to message you so they can KNOW MORE. Sorry, friend. Unless you look like Johnny fucking Depp, girls are going to skip over you in favor of someone who actually bothered to take a few minutes to write about themselves.
Metaphor time, bitches: I've rarely ever bought a book just by looking at the cover. And when I did, it was because that fucking cover was the goddamned book equivalent of Tatum-used-to-be-a-stripper-Channing. Like, a dragon slow-roasting a unicorn over the lava of Mordor as Wolverine fights Megatron, awesome-ass cover. So unless you have that amount of game, take the time your sophomore English teacher invested in you to write a damn paragraph about what you like to do, maybe where you work, or just a few thoughts on life. But do not, under any circumstances, tell me and the other women to "just ask." That's lazy shit right there. And most of us will just say next.
The Awkward Pick-up Line
Some of you do really well in the About Me section. You're humorous, quirky, and thorough enough in your details that if you message me, we can engage in conversation. And then you do it. You say that one thing that makes the car crash sound go off in a woman's head. You make a slightly sleazy innuendo that honestly creeps us the fuck out.
One of my favorites was this guy's charming follow-up to a rather decent summary. It was in reference to his desire for a new tattoo: "It would be cool to hear what you think would look good on me . . . besides you." . . . . . . ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?? Did I seriously just trip and fall into the movie Anchorman? A bad '70s porno? What the actual fuck were you thinking when you wrote that? Were you high? Please tell me you were high. I could live with that. But I don't see anything about smoking weed in your profile. No. NO! Imagine me hitting you on the nose with a rolled up newspaper (although you'd probably enjoy that) as if you were an errant puppy. I. can't. look. It's so awkward. Please stop.
Here's another, and it saddens me that this has been on MULTIPLE profiles: "Message me if you want to know more. I won't bite . . . hard." First, let's completely ignore that there's actually no way for you to physically bite me in cyberspace through instant messaging. And if there was, I would instant message you right back with my metal baseball bat to your idiotic skull. But I digress. The minute you put that line in there, you effectively eliminated about 90% of the normal women who would have actually messaged you. Well done.
What have we learned? No cheesy lines. Not even sarcastically. It doesn't translate well without facial expressions. Don't skate that tool borderline, friend. Save that shit for making your first date really uncomfortable.
The Texter
I don't mean that you are a person who texts. I mean that you are a person who writes in text speak instead of complete sentences with fully spelled words. Honestly, your profile looks like a Jerry Springer transcript. I can actually hear bleeps as I read it to myself.
Dude. You're in your 30s and there's no reason I should have to have my 23-year-old sister translate whatever the fuck it is you are trying to tell me with your use of "wut," "u," and "l8r". And dear ever loving gods above, if you use the word "cum" when you mean the word "come," as in "I'll cum hang," you better pray that I never see your face on the street because I will fucking throat punch you. Consider yourself warned.
It's not hard to be literate. I see kids as young as five doing it all the time. You have the entire keyboard filled with letters and as much time as you need to hunt and peck your way to a fairly coherent summary of yourself. Please use it. K?
You CAN Achieve Redemption!
You still have time to fix this! It's never too late. The women you mortified may have moved on, but the internet is filled with fresh batches of curious babes who may come across your profile--it's gonna be OK!
In all seriousness, you don't have to put your life story into the damn box. But reading your profile should tell the reader a little more about you than your hair color and your height. Do you have hobbies? Talk about them! Are you funny? Weave some of your humorous bullshit into that baby! List your favorite bands, tell the movies you like, explain your passion. Stop getting in your own way with this ridiculous bullshit and be yourself, whoever that may be. This is your chance to set yourself apart from the literal THOUSANDS of other guys who are using the same site as you, so use it, dammit.
(Stay tuned for Online Messaging: First Contact, where you'll discover the quickest way to get kicked in the teeth when you finally summon the balls to message a woman.)
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