About Me . . . An Online Profile Land Mine

So you've loaded your appropriate personal images and taken the very stupid quizzes, confessed that you're a smoking binge drinker, and lied about your height (5'9" is not 6', just sayin'). Now it's time for you to shine, to explain who you are in a few simple lines of text, and, hopefully, entice some reasonably sane chick into answering your one-word message ("Hi." Really guys? But that's another post--and it's coming). Yes, gentlemen, it's time for you to fill in the About Me section of your online profile.

In theory, it's really not that hard. And yet so many of you royally fuck this shit up. Lovely, adorable men are totally screwing themselves because of this section and I have to help you because I hate seeing a cute, slightly crooked smile go to waste over simple mistakes. Let's break it down into types and if you find that you fit in any of these categories, well, you may finally understand why your inbox is emptier than the eyes of that poor hooker you once ordered off the little porn card on the Vegas Strip.

The Woman Hater

We get it buddy, you've been burned. Some woman took out your poor little heart, threw it in her juicer, and pressed puree. You're bitter. You're sad. You're angry. And you should absolutely convey every one of those emotions on your profile--uh wait, no. Not so much. Let me list some of my favorites that I've found:

"I am tired of fake-ass women!"
"Women these days have no class."
"If you only want a bad boy, but say you hate drama, you can walk now."
"So tired of the drama!" (Drama is a big theme in online profiles)

What a positive beginning for a relationship! Why are you even on the site if you have so little faith in the gender, dude? Why not call it a day, maybe reconsider your position on dude-on-dude action? Because no one is going to date you when you look like a pissed off asshole with baggage. The only thing that you're telling us "about you" is that you have a chip on your shoulder the size of an Oregon redwood and that you should be avoided at all costs.

Look, friend, we've all been burned. If we hadn't, we sure as hell wouldn't be venturing out into the awkward mortification that is online match sites. We'd be hanging with our +1 living whatever happy dream we'd planned for ourselves. So stop with the hate. Relax. You aren't broken and there's a good chick out there for you. But she just might be turned off by your presupposition that she's a fake-ass, drama-lovin' bitch.

The "Message Me" for Info-er

You think to yourself, "I don't need to write a damn thing. If they want to know more, they'll message me, dammit." With your self-righteous indignation, you type "Ask" or "Message me to find out" instead of anything with thought, or, you know, INFORMATION. Oh my, aren't you a clever one. Way to rebel against the man, dude. And yet, here's the problem. You're banking pretty hard on the hope that women will be so very intrigued by your pictures alone that they will HAVE to message you so they can KNOW MORE. Sorry, friend. Unless you look like Johnny fucking Depp, girls are going to skip over you in favor of someone who actually bothered to take a few minutes to write about themselves.

Metaphor time, bitches: I've rarely ever bought a book just by looking at the cover. And when I did, it was because that fucking cover was the goddamned book equivalent of Tatum-used-to-be-a-stripper-Channing. Like, a dragon slow-roasting a unicorn over the lava of Mordor as Wolverine fights Megatron, awesome-ass cover. So unless you have that amount of game, take the time your sophomore English teacher invested in you to write a damn paragraph about what you like to do, maybe where you work, or just a few thoughts on life. But do not, under any circumstances, tell me and the other women to "just ask." That's lazy shit right there. And most of us will just say next.

The Awkward Pick-up Line

Some of you do really well in the About Me section. You're humorous, quirky, and thorough enough in your details that if you message me, we can engage in conversation. And then you do it. You say that one thing that makes the car crash sound go off in a woman's head. You make a slightly sleazy innuendo that honestly creeps us the fuck out.

One of my favorites was this guy's charming follow-up to a rather decent summary. It was in reference to his desire for a new tattoo: "It would be cool to hear what you think would look good on me . . . besides you." . . . . . . ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?? Did I seriously just trip and fall into the movie Anchorman? A bad '70s porno? What the actual fuck were you thinking when you wrote that? Were you high? Please tell me you were high. I could live with that. But I don't see anything about smoking weed in your profile. No. NO! Imagine me hitting you on the nose with a rolled up newspaper (although you'd probably enjoy that) as if you were an errant puppy. I. can't. look. It's so awkward. Please stop.

Here's another, and it saddens me that this has been on MULTIPLE profiles: "Message me if you want to know more. I won't bite . . . hard." First, let's completely ignore that there's actually no way for you to physically bite me in cyberspace through instant messaging. And if there was, I would instant message you right back with my metal baseball bat to your idiotic skull. But I digress. The minute you put that line in there, you effectively eliminated about 90% of the normal women who would have actually messaged you. Well done.

What have we learned? No cheesy lines. Not even sarcastically. It doesn't translate well without facial expressions. Don't skate that tool borderline, friend. Save that shit for making your first date really uncomfortable.

The Texter

I don't mean that you are a person who texts. I mean that you are a person who writes in text speak instead of complete sentences with fully spelled words. Honestly, your profile looks like a Jerry Springer transcript. I can actually hear bleeps as I read it to myself.

Dude. You're in your 30s and there's no reason I should have to have my 23-year-old sister translate whatever the fuck it is you are trying to tell me with your use of "wut," "u," and "l8r". And dear ever loving gods above, if you use the word "cum" when you mean the word "come," as in "I'll cum hang," you better pray that I never see your face on the street because I will fucking throat punch you. Consider yourself warned.

It's not hard to be literate. I see kids as young as five doing it all the time. You have the entire keyboard filled with letters and as much time as you need to hunt and peck your way to a fairly coherent summary of yourself. Please use it. K?

You CAN Achieve Redemption!

You still have time to fix this! It's never too late. The women you mortified may have moved on, but the internet is filled with fresh batches of curious babes who may come across your profile--it's gonna be OK!

In all seriousness, you don't have to put your life story into the damn box. But reading your profile should tell the reader a little more about you than your hair color and your height. Do you have hobbies? Talk about them! Are you funny? Weave some of your humorous bullshit into that baby! List your favorite bands, tell the movies you like, explain your passion. Stop getting in your own way with this ridiculous bullshit and be yourself, whoever that may be. This is your chance to set yourself apart from the literal THOUSANDS of other guys who are using the same site as you, so use it, dammit.

(Stay tuned for Online Messaging: First Contact, where you'll discover the quickest way to get kicked in the teeth when you finally summon the balls to message a woman.)

Guys, What Are You Doing?

I've spent a lot of time navigating the online dating world since I decided to get back in the (proverbial) saddle and I have seen so many things that make me cringe. I get that it's hard to know exactly what to put when you're first starting up a profile, but some of this shit should be common sense. Since it's not, I'm here, as a woman, to give my womanly perspective on shit that is killing the game of perfectly attractive, funny men. Here you go, gentlemen. Take heed. 

All right men, let's talk about your profile pictures. 

1. Be Accurate

We can spend all day pretending that looks don't matter and that women are special beings who are attracted to what's on the inside--or we could be fucking honest and admit that how you look is important.  If you're short, tall, fat, skinny, bald, whatever--somewhere on this planet of 7 billion people, you're going to find that ideal partner who likes you just the way you are. So let's begin by posting an accurate picture of yourself as you look today. Not you when you had hair. Not you 2 years ago and 30 pounds lighter. People should not be shocked to meet you in person and they shouldn't have to sweep the bar 10 times to find you because you look like a different dude. 

2. Ask for Help

Next, I know you have at least one friend. You have to. If you don't, you're probably a dick and you won't be getting many ladies anyway. Point? Get your friend to take the picture of you. Please, for the love of god, do not stand awkwardly in your bathroom, angling the camera at the mirror, trying pointlessly to block your dirty, single guy toilet in the reflection. Get a friend to take a picture of you standing outside, hanging at the bar, doing something active. If you're too mortified to ask your friend to take a stupid picture of you, consider these two things: First, you've already sold your dignity to online dating, so what's the harm in breaking man code and having your friend take a picture? Second, if you can't even accomplish such a mundane task as asking someone for help, how do you expect to have the cojones to ask chicks out? Or do you merely intend to virtually stalk them in the hopes they will ask you first? (They won't.)

3. Stay Classy

Here is where many men fail. If you're breaking these rules, you'll either end up without a date, or with a caliber of women that are either super skanky (which might be ok, please wear a condom) or batshit crazy. And those are not mutually exclusive, friends. 

• Keep your damn shirt on. I don't care if you look like Michael Phelps after a long swim and 10,000 sit-ups--keep that motherfucker on! Ever seen Jersey Shore? Do you want to be that guy? A tool of epic proportions? Probably not. When you take a picture with your shirt off, you are presenting that you are insecure and that you can't get by on personality alone, so you're trying to blind potential women with sex appeal. You're also taking a lot of the magic out of meeting someone and getting to know them and the fun discovery of your hotness. Don't be a dick, leave some mystery. Plus, that shit is just awkward. 

• Don't flex, pose suggestively, or do anything that makes you look like an egotistical ass hat. Every time I see a guy flexing online, I roll my eyes. My first impression is not that you are one sexy bitch, it's that you think about yourself a lot. And, possibly, that you got those massive forearms from chronic masturbation to free online porn. Here's a thought: Do you mountain bike? Take a picture of that. 4-wheel, fish, hike? Bingo! There is a picture of you looking awesome that doesn't look contrived, toolish, or stupid. You're welcome. 

• Please don't put up pictures of yourself with your ex-wife, ex-girlfriend, or ex-fuck buddy. We are all very proud that at some point in your life, someone with a vagina thought you were cool. But you're on to new things now and women don't really want to see your last fling smiling cozily with your arm around her. Plus, if you're exes, I doubt the lady would be excited to know you've dragged her into your new dating adventures by posting her picture online where thousands of strangers can see her.  

• Drugs and alcohol. Here's the deal--you drinking a beer with your buddies? Good picture. It shows you being laid back, casual, and at ease with your friends. But you flipped upside down doing a kegstand in your underpants as 15 drunk people look on? Maybe not the best first impression. The same goes for you clearing a 6-foot bong--and this one is particularly irritating to me. Newsflash, smoking weed isn't taboo anymore and it doesn't make you look cool or rebellious. I know old ladies in the Red Hats who do it. Preschool teachers. Librarians. I can grow it in my backyard and I could get a prescription for the shit just for complaining about menstrual cramps. Anyone can do it, so the fact that you feel the need to post images of you doing it implies that you have a lot of your identity wrapped up in something that should really be considered a casual hobby. 

• Please don't post weird pictures of you sleeping or looking longingly at the camera. Both of those really amp your creeper factor. You sleeping: Why? Why do I need to see that? Are you narcoleptic and trying to keep it real? Do you think that I or any other woman will be overcome with lust at the idea of you snug in your Star Wars sheets? Just, no. Okay? And as for looking longingly at the camera, well, it just makes a perfectly good guy start to look very fucking desperate. I start to wonder if maybe you're just sad that the internet is down and all of your guild members are leveling up without you. I don't wonder if I am your Ms. Right, ready to wipe that look off your face. If that was the feeling you intended to inspire in me, you failed. Miserably.

4. Look Happy and Sane

Why do men always pose like they are on a photo shoot for an MMA poster? Seriously, guys, you're trying to get women who do not know you to come out of the safety of their homes and go on a date with you. Is it really a good idea to look like you slaughter kittens for fun and profit? Smile. Try to look like you are a fun person, not some angry asshole who will start a bar fight and then drive around moodily listening to Radiohead and punching your steering wheel. Try to look harmless. Friendly. Kind. I see guys all the time with huge muscles, measuring at 6'3"--and they voluntarily pose in such a way as to look scary as fucking fuck. Like, serial rapist/Viking marauder scary. Why are you so angry, dude? Life is pretty sweet! Tone that grumpy face down, son!

I've been a real judgmental asshole, so let me help you out just a bit on what does attract women. These are the types of photos that make my friends and me take a second look at you: 

One of you doing a hobby you enjoy. 

One picture of your face.

A picture of you having fun.

A full-body picture of you. 

It should go without saying that you must apply the above rules to the suggestions I've given. Good luck dudes. This shit ain't for sissies. 

(Stay tuned for About Me . . . An Online Profile Land Mine, where I break down the weird ways you may be nuking your chances when talking about yourself online.)