Online Messaging: First Contact

So you've finally found a girl that has made you overcome the ball-wracking nervousness that comes with contacting a perfect stranger online and you're about to send that introductory message to see if she would be interested. What should you say? What if she thinks you're stupid? Should you mention something directly from her profile, or does that seem all stalkerish? Maybe just say, "hi," but what if she thinks that's lame? Something clever? What if you offend her?

Before I begin today's lecture, let me first commend you on having the cojones to even put yourself out there. Dating is a real bitch, and quite frankly, it's even worse for men. I've seen the online profiles of women out there and you boys are meandering a field fraught with ticking time bombs of female psychosis and neurosis and I do not envy you at all. I'd seriously consider becoming a monk if I were you, but you're probably like me and figure there has to be one sane person out there willing to hang out with you and have fun and maybe even have sex once in a while. I get it. Basically, great job, guys. Way to keep the hope alive. 

But don't think for a second that I've gone soft because seriously, some of you are fucking idiots and you need to stop coming off as total freaks in your first message to a woman. You're going to end up alone or on a registry if you don't knock off your shit and no one will feel a damn bit sorry for your dumb ass. I've titled the following sections using real FIRST messages I have received from actual dudes online. Enjoy!

Hey Sexy, Wanna Bone? 

Let's completely ignore the poor 90s lingo and really look into this guy's bad choice to ask a complete stranger for sex. For all he knows, I could be a complete meth head psycho with 10 kids by 10 different dudes I met online. Not a good idea. There are female serial killers out there too, you know. Unless you're on the just for sex section of a particular site, DO NOT begin your first message asking for sex. The first thing I wonder before deleting your message (or replying and mocking you) is how many STDs you have. And, really, if all a woman is to you is a masturbation sleeve for your hard-on, you need to rethink your life. While you're doing that, you need to also understand that most of the women who are flattered by a dude trying to get it on in the first message are likely going to cause you way more problems than your 4 minutes of mediocre sex will be worth. Think low self-esteem, clinginess, and the potential for keyed cars and dead, boiled bunny rabbits. You'll probably ignore this, so all that I ask is that you wear a damn condom. Or five. Five seems good. And do it at her house so she can't shank your pets when she goes nuts.

What's Up, Sexy?

Now this could just be my own personal peeve, but I really hate when a person does this when trying to get a date. This odd familiarity and slightly creepy way of opening the conversation just doesn't do it for me. It's implying a level of potential that you probably don't have and it irritates the everloving fuck out of me because then I have to decide if I'm going to give you a chance not to be a tool, or just ignore you because you already blew it by starting out like a bad porno. It's cheesy and smarmy and let's just not do it, okay? 

You Smoke Weed?

All right, here's a tip for everyone. Before you send a message, why don't you try, I don't know, reading the fucking profile of the person you are contacting? Why the hell do guys only message based on the picture you put up? See, the dude who wrote the above question would know I didn't "smoke weed" if he had bothered to read the damn profile where it says I don't do drugs. But no. Apparently that was too hard for his THC-laden brain. If you don't read the profile and then ask a question that is answered in the profile, the chick will know you only messaged based on her picture. That's pretty dumb on your part. A. She knows you're kinda stupid, and B. you have no clue if you are actually compatible, other than you like her picture. She could be a total asshole and you wouldn't even know it because you couldn't take 30 seconds to read about her. Her About Me section could be laden with man-hating drama and angry rants and you're stepping right into that steaming pile of dysfunction completely unarmed and unprepared. Good luck with that. 

When Can We Meet?

Um, hi, nice to meet you, too. And by the way, who the fuck are you, anyway? Holy desperation, Hawk fans! This is online dating, friends, and no sensible woman EVER just up and meets a guy from a one-line message he sends at 2 a.m. What the hell is wrong with you? No conversation, no general get to know you chat, nope, you just go right in for the kill. I don't even know your name, much less anything that might entice me to give up a night drinking beer with my girls to risk a date. What's your success ratio with that, anyway? And what is the quality of the women you meet from those that actually are willing to hang out with you after you messaging them? I bet it's not great. It freaks chicks out when you ask to meet before you even talk to them. Consider this: It would be like you asking a random girl on the street to step off into a dark alley with you, a stranger, for just a few minutes. That's the vibe you're putting off. That and sad desperation. Start a real conversation for fuck's sake! 

Hi.

This is the most harmless of all the offenses, but it's still a bad way to start a conversation. I read that, and I wonder, "What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?" If I'm feeling like a bitch, sometimes I only reply back with hi and put the ball back in your court. Or I delete the message altogether. If I am feeling nice, I might try to coax you into a more thorough conversation by asking you questions about yourself. It depends on my mood and, quite honestly, how attractive you are. If you have little to no game, you probably want to start getting a bit more witty with your messaging because this is the Millennial generation, dammit, and we are easily bored if not engaged creatively. 

A Good Way to Message

Here's a great example of a message:

Hi, how are you? (This cannot be all of your message) I see you like hiking (showing you read her profile), where do you like to go? (Giving her something to answer.) I love the trails up in the foothills (showing her you share the same love of hiking). Have you ever been to <<destination>>? (This not only gives her another question to answer, but sets up a potential for a date OR a mutual interest to discuss if she's been there.)

Not only does the above message nurture conversation, it also proves that you don't have a form letter you send to dozens of women each day because it's actually tailored to her interests and her profile. You're not giving off a slimy vibe, you're not creeping her out, and you're being a gentleman. Give it a try. 

As always, best of luck in the world of dating.

(Next week, we'll discuss what not to do when a girl gives you her number. Preview: Keep your cat and dick pictures to yourself!) 

Really Ladies?

So I was totally going to write the next blog on what to do when a girl gives you her number. But last night, I decided to venture into the land of online profiles from a guy's perspective because I'm always curious about that kind of shit. I logged out of my own account and decided to search as a dude seeking a gal between the ages of 28 and 38 in my area, just to see what guys are dealing with in my little segment of the population. And what I discovered was seriously mortifying. Women? What the actual fuck are you DOING? Dear god ladies, you are murdering the reputation of our gender and it is no damn wonder that most men have taken to online porn and one-night stands for companionship rather than dipping their toe in the stagnant pool of epic insanity that is the female species these days. Holy. shit.

I've beat up on the guys pretty hard in my blog, but now it's time for me to literally bitch slap the crazy-ass women that are littering the web like roaches at a Cypress Hill concert. You are fucking insane and it is absolutely no surprise to me that you are still (involuntarily) single. Let's begin with photos, which are actually the more benign way you are messing up--and then we'll move on to your headline and profile, which is pretty much where your crazy starts to pour out like water through the diaphragm you "accidentally" poked holes in the other night.

Themes in Photography

Boobs: I love how you pose with your boobs hanging out of your shirt, or the angle of the camera going straight into your cleavage--and then write 12 fucking paragraphs about how you are sick of men only messaging you for sex and wanting to hook up. Um, you're selling yourself using your tits, ma'am, what the hell do you expect? That's confusing to a guy. Not only that, you look desperate because you are relying solely on your sexuality to attempt to stand out from other women. It looks like you have no other way to make yourself look interesting, like, say, a picture of you at your favorite hobby, or maybe a simple picture of you just smiling at the camera. It's really sad. You make me sad. Why don't you just stop?

Duck Face: I really don't understand the origins of duck face, but the general consensus on sites like Urban Dictionary seems to be that if you do it you are, let's just say, not desirable to the male gender. Basically, you pose with your lips pooched out in a mega-pout and stare wide-eyed at the camera. Is it to make your lips look bigger? Do you think it looks sexy? Are you being ironic? I don't know and from all that I have read, most guys do not like it and think you look stupid, juvenile, and a little skanky. I have to agree. What ever happened to a nice smile? Do you have bad teeth? Thin lips? Please, just try a warm, friendly look and save the weird duck face photos for, well, nothing. Actually, don't take any more of those. Burn the ones you already have. Delete them from your Facebook. Set the memory card that held them on fire and then throw it into the holy water font at your local church. They will totally understand when you explain it to them.

Bathroom Photos: If you think you are going to be allowed to take these while guys are not, you are wrong. No one wants to see your bathroom counter littered with makeup and hair products and your toilet reflected in the background. For fuck's sake, you are a girl. I know you have more than one damn mirror in your house and I also know you have friends who will take a picture of you. Guys at least have the excuse that they generally don't go out buying full-length mirrors and hanging them in their bedroom, nor do they really ask other guys to take pictures of them unless they are drunk or doing something retarded. You? No excuse. None. Nada. Not only that, but your average phone has this nifty little reverse feature where you can look directly at it and take a picture ANYWHERE on earth that has good lighting. So why, again, are you crammed into your tiny restroom?

Weird Body Shots: What is with the selfies of you standing sideways with your hip jutting out and you looking pissed off? You don't look sassy, you look mean. What the hell? Why are you angry? And why would you take a picture of you being angry? Today's technology affords us the ability to capture, delete, or share thousands of images and you select one of you pooching out your ass in your dirty bedroom looking like you have PMS? No.

A Note: The fact that I have to say this is staggering to me. Please remove the sex toys from sight before taking your picture. This should really be all I should have to say about that.

Profiles of Anger 

In the top 20 profiles of the first search, I received this little gem of a headline, and it really epitomizes the amount of anger and resentment girls seem to be putting out there when building a profile: No Party Animals, Man Whores, or Douche Bags Please.  Well, sweetie, welcome to dating. You think just because you put that in your headline that you'll filter out the people who suck? Nope, sorry hon. You're going to run into them no matter what. All your headline does is make the normal guys take one look at you and avoid you at all costs because you seem really, really angry about men in general. You're not special, you know. We are all out there, men included, having our share of weird dates, bad nights, and general craziness. If you're too sensitive to take the good with the bad, this dating thing is probably not for you and you should quit and adopt a cat or 7.

Usually this headline is the accompaniment to a litany of angry spew about the girl's last 10 bad dates, how much she hated her ex-boyfriend, what she hates in a guy, and why she's about ready to give up dating. No way, you think to yourself, that doesn't happen. I assure you, it does. Often. At least once in every 7-10 women. Do you really think a dating site is the proper place for you to send yourself to therapy, ladies? No one wants that bullshit, it's exhausting. This world is hard enough without lugging your airline crate of baggage all over your life; have you considered getting the fuck over it all? And if you have not gotten over it yet, maybe you should wait on the whole dating thing because good guys really don't need women like you dragging them down and making them jaded. Stop filling your profile with jackassery and get your shit together. You're fucking it up for the rest of us.

Desperately Seeking a Husband

It's cool that you're on your chosen site to get married. But holy shit why are you just laying it out all blunt in the first line of your profile? I don't even have balls and mine clenched at that shit. Holy fuck, woman, that's a lot of pressure to put on a dude! Ease into it, damn. Your profile literally emits the odor of desperation and that is pretty fucking impressive being that this is the internet. That's some Willy Wonka magic right there. There's a time a place to figure all that out and if you're too lazy to weed through the Mr. Wrongs to get there, you're going to end up married to some sexually weird psychopath who buries dead bodies in your crawlspace. Measure twice cut once. Measure once, what's that smell in the heating vents, honey? Slow the fuck down and live. You'll end up happier.

Your Kids

Your kids are a part of your life. But talking about them for your entire profile is going to make a guy feel weird. Of course you mention you have them. But you don't need to go on and on about it. The dude hasn't even met you yet. He reads that shit and wonders if you're looking for the next daddy for your kids or if you even have a damn free minute to date. Another piece of advice, I really don't recommend that you put pictures of your kids all over your profile. I have seen a dude that seriously looks like he's wearing a suit of human skin on one of these sites. Do you really want him visually measuring your kid for a matching skin handbag as he sits up late at night listening to the echoing cries of his latest victim? Probably not. Take those down.

The True Believer

I get that you're passionate about Christianity, veganism, saving baby seals, or witchcraft, but there's a polite way to say it that sets your expectations without making you look like a frothing zealot. Wrong way: If you're a guy who murders innocent animals for your food, FUCK OFF and don't message me. Right way: I'm vegan and I prefer that my dates be vegan. See, in the bad scenario, you look like a fucking wreck. In the good one, you politely express your views in a very sane way. Your beliefs are dealbreakers. It makes total sense. What does not make sense is you denigrating everyone else who doesn't feel the same way you do so you can stand on your soapbox and be a bitch.

The Mixed Messenger

So your name is KittyGurl6969 and you have a great big picture of your tits all pressed to your chin. And then you write forever about how proper you are and how you don't sleep around and you hate men who are sluts. I'm confused. And I bet guys are confused, too. Or, you say you are looking for something casual, and then go on to describe how you'd love to be married at Disneyworld in a pumpkin coach by Mickey Mouse. You may need a dictionary because Disney Princess wedding does not equal casual. Say what you mean, dammit, or you're going to be sad as fuck. I'm not sure why women do this to themselves, but you should really just be completely straight on what you want (but not so straight you are demanding a ring before you even talk, see above).

Please, Just be Fucking Normal

That is all.

(Get back to expecting the first text mistakes article. Remember: No penises, no cat pictures.) 

About Me . . . An Online Profile Land Mine

So you've loaded your appropriate personal images and taken the very stupid quizzes, confessed that you're a smoking binge drinker, and lied about your height (5'9" is not 6', just sayin'). Now it's time for you to shine, to explain who you are in a few simple lines of text, and, hopefully, entice some reasonably sane chick into answering your one-word message ("Hi." Really guys? But that's another post--and it's coming). Yes, gentlemen, it's time for you to fill in the About Me section of your online profile.

In theory, it's really not that hard. And yet so many of you royally fuck this shit up. Lovely, adorable men are totally screwing themselves because of this section and I have to help you because I hate seeing a cute, slightly crooked smile go to waste over simple mistakes. Let's break it down into types and if you find that you fit in any of these categories, well, you may finally understand why your inbox is emptier than the eyes of that poor hooker you once ordered off the little porn card on the Vegas Strip.

The Woman Hater

We get it buddy, you've been burned. Some woman took out your poor little heart, threw it in her juicer, and pressed puree. You're bitter. You're sad. You're angry. And you should absolutely convey every one of those emotions on your profile--uh wait, no. Not so much. Let me list some of my favorites that I've found:

"I am tired of fake-ass women!"
"Women these days have no class."
"If you only want a bad boy, but say you hate drama, you can walk now."
"So tired of the drama!" (Drama is a big theme in online profiles)

What a positive beginning for a relationship! Why are you even on the site if you have so little faith in the gender, dude? Why not call it a day, maybe reconsider your position on dude-on-dude action? Because no one is going to date you when you look like a pissed off asshole with baggage. The only thing that you're telling us "about you" is that you have a chip on your shoulder the size of an Oregon redwood and that you should be avoided at all costs.

Look, friend, we've all been burned. If we hadn't, we sure as hell wouldn't be venturing out into the awkward mortification that is online match sites. We'd be hanging with our +1 living whatever happy dream we'd planned for ourselves. So stop with the hate. Relax. You aren't broken and there's a good chick out there for you. But she just might be turned off by your presupposition that she's a fake-ass, drama-lovin' bitch.

The "Message Me" for Info-er

You think to yourself, "I don't need to write a damn thing. If they want to know more, they'll message me, dammit." With your self-righteous indignation, you type "Ask" or "Message me to find out" instead of anything with thought, or, you know, INFORMATION. Oh my, aren't you a clever one. Way to rebel against the man, dude. And yet, here's the problem. You're banking pretty hard on the hope that women will be so very intrigued by your pictures alone that they will HAVE to message you so they can KNOW MORE. Sorry, friend. Unless you look like Johnny fucking Depp, girls are going to skip over you in favor of someone who actually bothered to take a few minutes to write about themselves.

Metaphor time, bitches: I've rarely ever bought a book just by looking at the cover. And when I did, it was because that fucking cover was the goddamned book equivalent of Tatum-used-to-be-a-stripper-Channing. Like, a dragon slow-roasting a unicorn over the lava of Mordor as Wolverine fights Megatron, awesome-ass cover. So unless you have that amount of game, take the time your sophomore English teacher invested in you to write a damn paragraph about what you like to do, maybe where you work, or just a few thoughts on life. But do not, under any circumstances, tell me and the other women to "just ask." That's lazy shit right there. And most of us will just say next.

The Awkward Pick-up Line

Some of you do really well in the About Me section. You're humorous, quirky, and thorough enough in your details that if you message me, we can engage in conversation. And then you do it. You say that one thing that makes the car crash sound go off in a woman's head. You make a slightly sleazy innuendo that honestly creeps us the fuck out.

One of my favorites was this guy's charming follow-up to a rather decent summary. It was in reference to his desire for a new tattoo: "It would be cool to hear what you think would look good on me . . . besides you." . . . . . . ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?? Did I seriously just trip and fall into the movie Anchorman? A bad '70s porno? What the actual fuck were you thinking when you wrote that? Were you high? Please tell me you were high. I could live with that. But I don't see anything about smoking weed in your profile. No. NO! Imagine me hitting you on the nose with a rolled up newspaper (although you'd probably enjoy that) as if you were an errant puppy. I. can't. look. It's so awkward. Please stop.

Here's another, and it saddens me that this has been on MULTIPLE profiles: "Message me if you want to know more. I won't bite . . . hard." First, let's completely ignore that there's actually no way for you to physically bite me in cyberspace through instant messaging. And if there was, I would instant message you right back with my metal baseball bat to your idiotic skull. But I digress. The minute you put that line in there, you effectively eliminated about 90% of the normal women who would have actually messaged you. Well done.

What have we learned? No cheesy lines. Not even sarcastically. It doesn't translate well without facial expressions. Don't skate that tool borderline, friend. Save that shit for making your first date really uncomfortable.

The Texter

I don't mean that you are a person who texts. I mean that you are a person who writes in text speak instead of complete sentences with fully spelled words. Honestly, your profile looks like a Jerry Springer transcript. I can actually hear bleeps as I read it to myself.

Dude. You're in your 30s and there's no reason I should have to have my 23-year-old sister translate whatever the fuck it is you are trying to tell me with your use of "wut," "u," and "l8r". And dear ever loving gods above, if you use the word "cum" when you mean the word "come," as in "I'll cum hang," you better pray that I never see your face on the street because I will fucking throat punch you. Consider yourself warned.

It's not hard to be literate. I see kids as young as five doing it all the time. You have the entire keyboard filled with letters and as much time as you need to hunt and peck your way to a fairly coherent summary of yourself. Please use it. K?

You CAN Achieve Redemption!

You still have time to fix this! It's never too late. The women you mortified may have moved on, but the internet is filled with fresh batches of curious babes who may come across your profile--it's gonna be OK!

In all seriousness, you don't have to put your life story into the damn box. But reading your profile should tell the reader a little more about you than your hair color and your height. Do you have hobbies? Talk about them! Are you funny? Weave some of your humorous bullshit into that baby! List your favorite bands, tell the movies you like, explain your passion. Stop getting in your own way with this ridiculous bullshit and be yourself, whoever that may be. This is your chance to set yourself apart from the literal THOUSANDS of other guys who are using the same site as you, so use it, dammit.

(Stay tuned for Online Messaging: First Contact, where you'll discover the quickest way to get kicked in the teeth when you finally summon the balls to message a woman.)

Guys, What Are You Doing?

I've spent a lot of time navigating the online dating world since I decided to get back in the (proverbial) saddle and I have seen so many things that make me cringe. I get that it's hard to know exactly what to put when you're first starting up a profile, but some of this shit should be common sense. Since it's not, I'm here, as a woman, to give my womanly perspective on shit that is killing the game of perfectly attractive, funny men. Here you go, gentlemen. Take heed. 

All right men, let's talk about your profile pictures. 

1. Be Accurate

We can spend all day pretending that looks don't matter and that women are special beings who are attracted to what's on the inside--or we could be fucking honest and admit that how you look is important.  If you're short, tall, fat, skinny, bald, whatever--somewhere on this planet of 7 billion people, you're going to find that ideal partner who likes you just the way you are. So let's begin by posting an accurate picture of yourself as you look today. Not you when you had hair. Not you 2 years ago and 30 pounds lighter. People should not be shocked to meet you in person and they shouldn't have to sweep the bar 10 times to find you because you look like a different dude. 

2. Ask for Help

Next, I know you have at least one friend. You have to. If you don't, you're probably a dick and you won't be getting many ladies anyway. Point? Get your friend to take the picture of you. Please, for the love of god, do not stand awkwardly in your bathroom, angling the camera at the mirror, trying pointlessly to block your dirty, single guy toilet in the reflection. Get a friend to take a picture of you standing outside, hanging at the bar, doing something active. If you're too mortified to ask your friend to take a stupid picture of you, consider these two things: First, you've already sold your dignity to online dating, so what's the harm in breaking man code and having your friend take a picture? Second, if you can't even accomplish such a mundane task as asking someone for help, how do you expect to have the cojones to ask chicks out? Or do you merely intend to virtually stalk them in the hopes they will ask you first? (They won't.)

3. Stay Classy

Here is where many men fail. If you're breaking these rules, you'll either end up without a date, or with a caliber of women that are either super skanky (which might be ok, please wear a condom) or batshit crazy. And those are not mutually exclusive, friends. 

• Keep your damn shirt on. I don't care if you look like Michael Phelps after a long swim and 10,000 sit-ups--keep that motherfucker on! Ever seen Jersey Shore? Do you want to be that guy? A tool of epic proportions? Probably not. When you take a picture with your shirt off, you are presenting that you are insecure and that you can't get by on personality alone, so you're trying to blind potential women with sex appeal. You're also taking a lot of the magic out of meeting someone and getting to know them and the fun discovery of your hotness. Don't be a dick, leave some mystery. Plus, that shit is just awkward. 

• Don't flex, pose suggestively, or do anything that makes you look like an egotistical ass hat. Every time I see a guy flexing online, I roll my eyes. My first impression is not that you are one sexy bitch, it's that you think about yourself a lot. And, possibly, that you got those massive forearms from chronic masturbation to free online porn. Here's a thought: Do you mountain bike? Take a picture of that. 4-wheel, fish, hike? Bingo! There is a picture of you looking awesome that doesn't look contrived, toolish, or stupid. You're welcome. 

• Please don't put up pictures of yourself with your ex-wife, ex-girlfriend, or ex-fuck buddy. We are all very proud that at some point in your life, someone with a vagina thought you were cool. But you're on to new things now and women don't really want to see your last fling smiling cozily with your arm around her. Plus, if you're exes, I doubt the lady would be excited to know you've dragged her into your new dating adventures by posting her picture online where thousands of strangers can see her.  

• Drugs and alcohol. Here's the deal--you drinking a beer with your buddies? Good picture. It shows you being laid back, casual, and at ease with your friends. But you flipped upside down doing a kegstand in your underpants as 15 drunk people look on? Maybe not the best first impression. The same goes for you clearing a 6-foot bong--and this one is particularly irritating to me. Newsflash, smoking weed isn't taboo anymore and it doesn't make you look cool or rebellious. I know old ladies in the Red Hats who do it. Preschool teachers. Librarians. I can grow it in my backyard and I could get a prescription for the shit just for complaining about menstrual cramps. Anyone can do it, so the fact that you feel the need to post images of you doing it implies that you have a lot of your identity wrapped up in something that should really be considered a casual hobby. 

• Please don't post weird pictures of you sleeping or looking longingly at the camera. Both of those really amp your creeper factor. You sleeping: Why? Why do I need to see that? Are you narcoleptic and trying to keep it real? Do you think that I or any other woman will be overcome with lust at the idea of you snug in your Star Wars sheets? Just, no. Okay? And as for looking longingly at the camera, well, it just makes a perfectly good guy start to look very fucking desperate. I start to wonder if maybe you're just sad that the internet is down and all of your guild members are leveling up without you. I don't wonder if I am your Ms. Right, ready to wipe that look off your face. If that was the feeling you intended to inspire in me, you failed. Miserably.

4. Look Happy and Sane

Why do men always pose like they are on a photo shoot for an MMA poster? Seriously, guys, you're trying to get women who do not know you to come out of the safety of their homes and go on a date with you. Is it really a good idea to look like you slaughter kittens for fun and profit? Smile. Try to look like you are a fun person, not some angry asshole who will start a bar fight and then drive around moodily listening to Radiohead and punching your steering wheel. Try to look harmless. Friendly. Kind. I see guys all the time with huge muscles, measuring at 6'3"--and they voluntarily pose in such a way as to look scary as fucking fuck. Like, serial rapist/Viking marauder scary. Why are you so angry, dude? Life is pretty sweet! Tone that grumpy face down, son!

I've been a real judgmental asshole, so let me help you out just a bit on what does attract women. These are the types of photos that make my friends and me take a second look at you: 

One of you doing a hobby you enjoy. 

One picture of your face.

A picture of you having fun.

A full-body picture of you. 

It should go without saying that you must apply the above rules to the suggestions I've given. Good luck dudes. This shit ain't for sissies. 

(Stay tuned for About Me . . . An Online Profile Land Mine, where I break down the weird ways you may be nuking your chances when talking about yourself online.)