Guys, What Are You Doing?

I've spent a lot of time navigating the online dating world since I decided to get back in the (proverbial) saddle and I have seen so many things that make me cringe. I get that it's hard to know exactly what to put when you're first starting up a profile, but some of this shit should be common sense. Since it's not, I'm here, as a woman, to give my womanly perspective on shit that is killing the game of perfectly attractive, funny men. Here you go, gentlemen. Take heed. 

All right men, let's talk about your profile pictures. 

1. Be Accurate

We can spend all day pretending that looks don't matter and that women are special beings who are attracted to what's on the inside--or we could be fucking honest and admit that how you look is important.  If you're short, tall, fat, skinny, bald, whatever--somewhere on this planet of 7 billion people, you're going to find that ideal partner who likes you just the way you are. So let's begin by posting an accurate picture of yourself as you look today. Not you when you had hair. Not you 2 years ago and 30 pounds lighter. People should not be shocked to meet you in person and they shouldn't have to sweep the bar 10 times to find you because you look like a different dude. 

2. Ask for Help

Next, I know you have at least one friend. You have to. If you don't, you're probably a dick and you won't be getting many ladies anyway. Point? Get your friend to take the picture of you. Please, for the love of god, do not stand awkwardly in your bathroom, angling the camera at the mirror, trying pointlessly to block your dirty, single guy toilet in the reflection. Get a friend to take a picture of you standing outside, hanging at the bar, doing something active. If you're too mortified to ask your friend to take a stupid picture of you, consider these two things: First, you've already sold your dignity to online dating, so what's the harm in breaking man code and having your friend take a picture? Second, if you can't even accomplish such a mundane task as asking someone for help, how do you expect to have the cojones to ask chicks out? Or do you merely intend to virtually stalk them in the hopes they will ask you first? (They won't.)

3. Stay Classy

Here is where many men fail. If you're breaking these rules, you'll either end up without a date, or with a caliber of women that are either super skanky (which might be ok, please wear a condom) or batshit crazy. And those are not mutually exclusive, friends. 

• Keep your damn shirt on. I don't care if you look like Michael Phelps after a long swim and 10,000 sit-ups--keep that motherfucker on! Ever seen Jersey Shore? Do you want to be that guy? A tool of epic proportions? Probably not. When you take a picture with your shirt off, you are presenting that you are insecure and that you can't get by on personality alone, so you're trying to blind potential women with sex appeal. You're also taking a lot of the magic out of meeting someone and getting to know them and the fun discovery of your hotness. Don't be a dick, leave some mystery. Plus, that shit is just awkward. 

• Don't flex, pose suggestively, or do anything that makes you look like an egotistical ass hat. Every time I see a guy flexing online, I roll my eyes. My first impression is not that you are one sexy bitch, it's that you think about yourself a lot. And, possibly, that you got those massive forearms from chronic masturbation to free online porn. Here's a thought: Do you mountain bike? Take a picture of that. 4-wheel, fish, hike? Bingo! There is a picture of you looking awesome that doesn't look contrived, toolish, or stupid. You're welcome. 

• Please don't put up pictures of yourself with your ex-wife, ex-girlfriend, or ex-fuck buddy. We are all very proud that at some point in your life, someone with a vagina thought you were cool. But you're on to new things now and women don't really want to see your last fling smiling cozily with your arm around her. Plus, if you're exes, I doubt the lady would be excited to know you've dragged her into your new dating adventures by posting her picture online where thousands of strangers can see her.  

• Drugs and alcohol. Here's the deal--you drinking a beer with your buddies? Good picture. It shows you being laid back, casual, and at ease with your friends. But you flipped upside down doing a kegstand in your underpants as 15 drunk people look on? Maybe not the best first impression. The same goes for you clearing a 6-foot bong--and this one is particularly irritating to me. Newsflash, smoking weed isn't taboo anymore and it doesn't make you look cool or rebellious. I know old ladies in the Red Hats who do it. Preschool teachers. Librarians. I can grow it in my backyard and I could get a prescription for the shit just for complaining about menstrual cramps. Anyone can do it, so the fact that you feel the need to post images of you doing it implies that you have a lot of your identity wrapped up in something that should really be considered a casual hobby. 

• Please don't post weird pictures of you sleeping or looking longingly at the camera. Both of those really amp your creeper factor. You sleeping: Why? Why do I need to see that? Are you narcoleptic and trying to keep it real? Do you think that I or any other woman will be overcome with lust at the idea of you snug in your Star Wars sheets? Just, no. Okay? And as for looking longingly at the camera, well, it just makes a perfectly good guy start to look very fucking desperate. I start to wonder if maybe you're just sad that the internet is down and all of your guild members are leveling up without you. I don't wonder if I am your Ms. Right, ready to wipe that look off your face. If that was the feeling you intended to inspire in me, you failed. Miserably.

4. Look Happy and Sane

Why do men always pose like they are on a photo shoot for an MMA poster? Seriously, guys, you're trying to get women who do not know you to come out of the safety of their homes and go on a date with you. Is it really a good idea to look like you slaughter kittens for fun and profit? Smile. Try to look like you are a fun person, not some angry asshole who will start a bar fight and then drive around moodily listening to Radiohead and punching your steering wheel. Try to look harmless. Friendly. Kind. I see guys all the time with huge muscles, measuring at 6'3"--and they voluntarily pose in such a way as to look scary as fucking fuck. Like, serial rapist/Viking marauder scary. Why are you so angry, dude? Life is pretty sweet! Tone that grumpy face down, son!

I've been a real judgmental asshole, so let me help you out just a bit on what does attract women. These are the types of photos that make my friends and me take a second look at you: 

One of you doing a hobby you enjoy. 

One picture of your face.

A picture of you having fun.

A full-body picture of you. 

It should go without saying that you must apply the above rules to the suggestions I've given. Good luck dudes. This shit ain't for sissies. 

(Stay tuned for About Me . . . An Online Profile Land Mine, where I break down the weird ways you may be nuking your chances when talking about yourself online.)