Before I begin today's lecture, let me first commend you on having the cojones to even put yourself out there. Dating is a real bitch, and quite frankly, it's even worse for men. I've seen the online profiles of women out there and you boys are meandering a field fraught with ticking time bombs of female psychosis and neurosis and I do not envy you at all. I'd seriously consider becoming a monk if I were you, but you're probably like me and figure there has to be one sane person out there willing to hang out with you and have fun and maybe even have sex once in a while. I get it. Basically, great job, guys. Way to keep the hope alive.
But don't think for a second that I've gone soft because seriously, some of you are fucking idiots and you need to stop coming off as total freaks in your first message to a woman. You're going to end up alone or on a registry if you don't knock off your shit and no one will feel a damn bit sorry for your dumb ass. I've titled the following sections using real FIRST messages I have received from actual dudes online. Enjoy!
Hey Sexy, Wanna Bone?
Let's completely ignore the poor 90s lingo and really look into this guy's bad choice to ask a complete stranger for sex. For all he knows, I could be a complete meth head psycho with 10 kids by 10 different dudes I met online. Not a good idea. There are female serial killers out there too, you know. Unless you're on the just for sex section of a particular site, DO NOT begin your first message asking for sex. The first thing I wonder before deleting your message (or replying and mocking you) is how many STDs you have. And, really, if all a woman is to you is a masturbation sleeve for your hard-on, you need to rethink your life. While you're doing that, you need to also understand that most of the women who are flattered by a dude trying to get it on in the first message are likely going to cause you way more problems than your 4 minutes of mediocre sex will be worth. Think low self-esteem, clinginess, and the potential for keyed cars and dead, boiled bunny rabbits. You'll probably ignore this, so all that I ask is that you wear a damn condom. Or five. Five seems good. And do it at her house so she can't shank your pets when she goes nuts.
What's Up, Sexy?
Now this could just be my own personal peeve, but I really hate when a person does this when trying to get a date. This odd familiarity and slightly creepy way of opening the conversation just doesn't do it for me. It's implying a level of potential that you probably don't have and it irritates the everloving fuck out of me because then I have to decide if I'm going to give you a chance not to be a tool, or just ignore you because you already blew it by starting out like a bad porno. It's cheesy and smarmy and let's just not do it, okay?
You Smoke Weed?
All right, here's a tip for everyone. Before you send a message, why don't you try, I don't know, reading the fucking profile of the person you are contacting? Why the hell do guys only message based on the picture you put up? See, the dude who wrote the above question would know I didn't "smoke weed" if he had bothered to read the damn profile where it says I don't do drugs. But no. Apparently that was too hard for his THC-laden brain. If you don't read the profile and then ask a question that is answered in the profile, the chick will know you only messaged based on her picture. That's pretty dumb on your part. A. She knows you're kinda stupid, and B. you have no clue if you are actually compatible, other than you like her picture. She could be a total asshole and you wouldn't even know it because you couldn't take 30 seconds to read about her. Her About Me section could be laden with man-hating drama and angry rants and you're stepping right into that steaming pile of dysfunction completely unarmed and unprepared. Good luck with that.
When Can We Meet?
Um, hi, nice to meet you, too. And by the way, who the fuck are you, anyway? Holy desperation, Hawk fans! This is online dating, friends, and no sensible woman EVER just up and meets a guy from a one-line message he sends at 2 a.m. What the hell is wrong with you? No conversation, no general get to know you chat, nope, you just go right in for the kill. I don't even know your name, much less anything that might entice me to give up a night drinking beer with my girls to risk a date. What's your success ratio with that, anyway? And what is the quality of the women you meet from those that actually are willing to hang out with you after you messaging them? I bet it's not great. It freaks chicks out when you ask to meet before you even talk to them. Consider this: It would be like you asking a random girl on the street to step off into a dark alley with you, a stranger, for just a few minutes. That's the vibe you're putting off. That and sad desperation. Start a real conversation for fuck's sake!
Hi.
This is the most harmless of all the offenses, but it's still a bad way to start a conversation. I read that, and I wonder, "What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?" If I'm feeling like a bitch, sometimes I only reply back with hi and put the ball back in your court. Or I delete the message altogether. If I am feeling nice, I might try to coax you into a more thorough conversation by asking you questions about yourself. It depends on my mood and, quite honestly, how attractive you are. If you have little to no game, you probably want to start getting a bit more witty with your messaging because this is the Millennial generation, dammit, and we are easily bored if not engaged creatively.
A Good Way to Message
Here's a great example of a message:
Hi, how are you? (This cannot be all of your message) I see you like hiking (showing you read her profile), where do you like to go? (Giving her something to answer.) I love the trails up in the foothills (showing her you share the same love of hiking). Have you ever been to <<destination>>? (This not only gives her another question to answer, but sets up a potential for a date OR a mutual interest to discuss if she's been there.)
Not only does the above message nurture conversation, it also proves that you don't have a form letter you send to dozens of women each day because it's actually tailored to her interests and her profile. You're not giving off a slimy vibe, you're not creeping her out, and you're being a gentleman. Give it a try.
As always, best of luck in the world of dating.
(Next week, we'll discuss what not to do when a girl gives you her number. Preview: Keep your cat and dick pictures to yourself!)
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