So I was totally going to write the next blog on what to do when a girl gives you her number. But last night, I decided to venture into the land of online profiles from a guy's perspective because I'm always curious about that kind of shit. I logged out of my own account and decided to search as a dude seeking a gal between the ages of 28 and 38 in my area, just to see what guys are dealing with in my little segment of the population. And what I discovered was seriously mortifying. Women? What the actual fuck are you DOING? Dear god ladies, you are murdering the reputation of our gender and it is no damn wonder that most men have taken to online porn and one-night stands for companionship rather than dipping their toe in the stagnant pool of epic insanity that is the female species these days. Holy. shit.
I've beat up on the guys pretty hard in my blog, but now it's time for me to literally bitch slap the crazy-ass women that are littering the web like roaches at a Cypress Hill concert. You are fucking insane and it is absolutely no surprise to me that you are still (involuntarily) single. Let's begin with photos, which are actually the more benign way you are messing up--and then we'll move on to your headline and profile, which is pretty much where your crazy starts to pour out like water through the diaphragm you "accidentally" poked holes in the other night.
Themes in Photography
Boobs: I love how you pose with your boobs hanging out of your shirt, or the angle of the camera going straight into your cleavage--and then write 12 fucking paragraphs about how you are sick of men only messaging you for sex and wanting to hook up. Um, you're selling yourself using your tits, ma'am, what the hell do you expect? That's confusing to a guy. Not only that, you look desperate because you are relying solely on your sexuality to attempt to stand out from other women. It looks like you have no other way to make yourself look interesting, like, say, a picture of you at your favorite hobby, or maybe a simple picture of you just smiling at the camera. It's really sad. You make me sad. Why don't you just stop?
Duck Face: I really don't understand the origins of duck face, but the general consensus on sites like Urban Dictionary seems to be that if you do it you are, let's just say, not desirable to the male gender. Basically, you pose with your lips pooched out in a mega-pout and stare wide-eyed at the camera. Is it to make your lips look bigger? Do you think it looks sexy? Are you being ironic? I don't know and from all that I have read, most guys do not like it and think you look stupid, juvenile, and a little skanky. I have to agree. What ever happened to a nice smile? Do you have bad teeth? Thin lips? Please, just try a warm, friendly look and save the weird duck face photos for, well, nothing. Actually, don't take any more of those. Burn the ones you already have. Delete them from your Facebook. Set the memory card that held them on fire and then throw it into the holy water font at your local church. They will totally understand when you explain it to them.
Bathroom Photos: If you think you are going to be allowed to take these while guys are not, you are wrong. No one wants to see your bathroom counter littered with makeup and hair products and your toilet reflected in the background. For fuck's sake, you are a girl. I know you have more than one damn mirror in your house and I also know you have friends who will take a picture of you. Guys at least have the excuse that they generally don't go out buying full-length mirrors and hanging them in their bedroom, nor do they really ask other guys to take pictures of them unless they are drunk or doing something retarded. You? No excuse. None. Nada. Not only that, but your average phone has this nifty little reverse feature where you can look directly at it and take a picture ANYWHERE on earth that has good lighting. So why, again, are you crammed into your tiny restroom?
Weird Body Shots: What is with the selfies of you standing sideways with your hip jutting out and you looking pissed off? You don't look sassy, you look mean. What the hell? Why are you angry? And why would you take a picture of you being angry? Today's technology affords us the ability to capture, delete, or share thousands of images and you select one of you pooching out your ass in your dirty bedroom looking like you have PMS? No.
A Note: The fact that I have to say this is staggering to me. Please remove the sex toys from sight before taking your picture. This should really be all I should have to say about that.
Profiles of Anger
In the top 20 profiles of the first search, I received this little gem of a headline, and it really epitomizes the amount of anger and resentment girls seem to be putting out there when building a profile: No Party Animals, Man Whores, or Douche Bags Please. Well, sweetie, welcome to dating. You think just because you put that in your headline that you'll filter out the people who suck? Nope, sorry hon. You're going to run into them no matter what. All your headline does is make the normal guys take one look at you and avoid you at all costs because you seem really, really angry about men in general. You're not special, you know. We are all out there, men included, having our share of weird dates, bad nights, and general craziness. If you're too sensitive to take the good with the bad, this dating thing is probably not for you and you should quit and adopt a cat or 7.
Usually this headline is the accompaniment to a litany of angry spew about the girl's last 10 bad dates, how much she hated her ex-boyfriend, what she hates in a guy, and why she's about ready to give up dating. No way, you think to yourself, that doesn't happen. I assure you, it does. Often. At least once in every 7-10 women. Do you really think a dating site is the proper place for you to send yourself to therapy, ladies? No one wants that bullshit, it's exhausting. This world is hard enough without lugging your airline crate of baggage all over your life; have you considered getting the fuck over it all? And if you have not gotten over it yet, maybe you should wait on the whole dating thing because good guys really don't need women like you dragging them down and making them jaded. Stop filling your profile with jackassery and get your shit together. You're fucking it up for the rest of us.
Desperately Seeking a Husband
It's cool that you're on your chosen site to get married. But holy shit why are you just laying it out all blunt in the first line of your profile? I don't even have balls and mine clenched at that shit. Holy fuck, woman, that's a lot of pressure to put on a dude! Ease into it, damn. Your profile literally emits the odor of desperation and that is pretty fucking impressive being that this is the internet. That's some Willy Wonka magic right there. There's a time a place to figure all that out and if you're too lazy to weed through the Mr. Wrongs to get there, you're going to end up married to some sexually weird psychopath who buries dead bodies in your crawlspace. Measure twice cut once. Measure once, what's that smell in the heating vents, honey? Slow the fuck down and live. You'll end up happier.
Your Kids
Your kids are a part of your life. But talking about them for your entire profile is going to make a guy feel weird. Of course you mention you have them. But you don't need to go on and on about it. The dude hasn't even met you yet. He reads that shit and wonders if you're looking for the next daddy for your kids or if you even have a damn free minute to date. Another piece of advice, I really don't recommend that you put pictures of your kids all over your profile. I have seen a dude that seriously looks like he's wearing a suit of human skin on one of these sites. Do you really want him visually measuring your kid for a matching skin handbag as he sits up late at night listening to the echoing cries of his latest victim? Probably not. Take those down.
The True Believer
I get that you're passionate about Christianity, veganism, saving baby seals, or witchcraft, but there's a polite way to say it that sets your expectations without making you look like a frothing zealot. Wrong way: If you're a guy who murders innocent animals for your food, FUCK OFF and don't message me. Right way: I'm vegan and I prefer that my dates be vegan. See, in the bad scenario, you look like a fucking wreck. In the good one, you politely express your views in a very sane way. Your beliefs are dealbreakers. It makes total sense. What does not make sense is you denigrating everyone else who doesn't feel the same way you do so you can stand on your soapbox and be a bitch.
The Mixed Messenger
So your name is KittyGurl6969 and you have a great big picture of your tits all pressed to your chin. And then you write forever about how proper you are and how you don't sleep around and you hate men who are sluts. I'm confused. And I bet guys are confused, too. Or, you say you are looking for something casual, and then go on to describe how you'd love to be married at Disneyworld in a pumpkin coach by Mickey Mouse. You may need a dictionary because Disney Princess wedding does not equal casual. Say what you mean, dammit, or you're going to be sad as fuck. I'm not sure why women do this to themselves, but you should really just be completely straight on what you want (but not so straight you are demanding a ring before you even talk, see above).
Please, Just be Fucking Normal
That is all.
(Get back to expecting the first text mistakes article. Remember: No penises, no cat pictures.)
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